For years after Eowyn was born, I felt like the odd man out. My network of women included other stay-at-home moms for whom I was grateful, but I always struggled any time I expressed difficulty in this task of raising little ones. It seemed like my words were bouncing off the walls and coming back to me void; I was very lonely and unable to find others who could relate to my experience. As postpartum depression hit me hard, I found my new life as a mom to be suffocating, and while I certainly expected things to change after having kids and for there to be an abundance of inconvenience and adjustment, I did not anticipate the crushing weight of inescapable responsibility that came along with it.
Troubles with feeding meant I was my daughter’s only source of nutrients during those early months, a factor that, when combined with the absence of family support (since our families live across the country) and the mounds of unrealistic expectations I heaped on myself, left me feeling like a prisoner of my baby. She was my ball and chain, reliant upon me for everything, and it was overwhelming. It all felt like a horrible mistake.
A couple years passed, and these feelings never really went away, they only dulled. Everything dulled. I became used to this existence of just barely getting by, and coped with my feelings of disappointment in myself and my life by making jokes about being a “bad mom.” I never truly believed I was a bad mother, but the comparisons that are all too easily accessible in my Facebook and Pinterest feeds left me feeling like one hell of a failure.
Matters were made worse by my warped view of God during this time frame. My memory is faded a bit, but at some point in my journey, I stopped calling out to him for help. I began to view him as a taskmaster and the author of my pain, capable of providing relief yet choosing to push harder. Depression, chronic joint issues, fatigue, a struggling marriage, and a heart of stone – this was my lot, a fate to which I resigned myself, and though I was waiting to be freed from my pain, I did not expect it.
Over the last year, I’ve shared many of my struggles openly with you here on my blog. You’ve seen my ups and downs, and you know that God has been working in my heart in the last few months. He’s softening it as my eyes are being opened to serve those around me, and he’s recently blessed me with a women’s Bible study in which we are studying Ephesians 1 and 2. His word feels fresh and is a salve to my soul, and the ladies I’ve met there have been truly encouraging. Though I’ve been a Christian for nearly 20 years, this is a season of spiritual renewal for me in which the gospel is more refreshing than ever.
God’s timing is perfect, of course, and a few months ago, I became aware of a book entitled Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe written by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. The title alone was enough to convince me that I needed to read it, and I’m so glad I did! Coauthored by one woman who is older, having raised her children into adulthood, and the other who is just emerging from the crazies of having itty bitties in the home, it provides comfort and practical tips for those struggling in motherhood.
Unlike many books that offer a litany of to-dos that only serve to heap on more expectation and guilt, Desperate does the reverse. It acknowledges that as moms, we are tired. We love our families and have been pouring ourselves out for those in our charge, but we are just flat out exhausted. We are isolated, lonely, and longing for more. I know this isn’t the case for all mothers, but what a relief it was for me to finally hear a story that I could relate to! And what a blessing to not be told that I need to work harder.
The advice is simple yet unexpected: seek out mentorship with older women and friendships with like-minded peers; don’t stress about having a perfectly tidy house and hire a housekeeper if you need to and can afford it; step away from social media and engage with the community within your own home; get out of the house with your girlfriends; get a babysitter; purchase beautiful things and strive to create a life-giving environment at home; remember that Jesus is kind and cares about your trials. This book has reminded me that life isn’t all about tasks and duties. Our souls need to be fed, and rest and beauty are part of that. Whatever pressure we put on ourselves to do it all on our own is not founded in Biblical truth and is ultimately joy-stealing.
The biggest takeaway for me from this book is the understanding that as the keeper of my home, it’s my role to create a loving and desirable environment for those who enter. Hear me on this: I’m not talking about making everything Martha Stewart-perfect and impressing my friends with my amazing hostess skills, but rather being intentional to make people feel welcomed, loved, and nourished. This perspective changes everything so that even mundane tasks like cleaning can become joyful when there is a greater purpose in mind.
Further, this idea applies to not only my home but also to my heart. If I want my children to grow up with special memories, I must foster that. I must be the type of woman I want my children to become, and while that notion was previously accompanied by all manner of expectation, I now feel freed up to be a kid again. A fun day at the children’s museum is now more than simply passing the time, and occasions such as Valentine’s Day present an opportunity to intentionally delight in my kids and tell them so.
Overall, Desperate has been a breath of fresh air to this weary woman, and the ideas therein are changing my heart and my life. I can’t recommend it enough.
Ingredients
- 2 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
- 2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
- 4 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
- 1/4 teaspoon fine grain salt
- 1/2 cup cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
- 3 eggs, beaten
- 3/4 cup heavy cream
- 2/3 cup dried cranberries
- 1 cup plus 3 tablespoons powdered sugar
- 1 1/2 tablespoons whole milk
- 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Instructions
- Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
- In a large bowl, use a whisk or fork to combine the pastry flour, brown sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, cloves, and salt. Using a pastry blender or two butter knives, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Use the back of a large spoon to push the dry mixture toward the edges of the bowl, creating a well in the center.
- In a separate small bowl, stir together the eggs, heavy cream, and cranberries, then pour in the mixture into the dry ingredients. Gently stir just until moistened (there will still be lots of dry spots).
- Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured work surface and knead 10-12 times until the dough comes together and is nearly smooth (should look like the 2nd photo of this post). Pat the dough into an 8-inch disk, then slice it into 8 equal wedges.
- Place the wedges on a parchment-lined metal baking sheet, 1 inch apart, and bake for 12-14 minutes or until golden. Allow the scones to rest on the baking sheet for a minute or two, then transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely.
- In a small bowl, whisk together the powdered sugar, milk, cinnamon, and vanilla until smooth. Use an offset spatula or the back of a spoon to spread the glaze over the scones. Serve immediately or wait a few minutes if desired to allow the glaze to set.
- Leftovers can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature.
Adapted quite a lot from the Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook.
Tips and Tidbits
- I hope you enjoy these scones as much as I do. I love that they are made with whole wheat flour, and the combination of spices and cranberries is not a typical combination for me, but I’m enjoying it! They are a bit more moist and less crumbly than the average scone (thanks to an extra egg), and paired with a cup of coffee or tea, I think you’ll agree that they are nothing short of scrumptious.
- Let’s talk substitutions! This recipes lends itself well to modification based on what’s in your fridge and pantry. A 50/50 split of whole wheat flour and unbleached all purpose flour works beautifully in place of the pastry flour, and raisins or any other dried fruit can be substituted for the cranberries (chopped dried apricots are next on my list!). Milk can be used instead of heavy cream in a pinch, but just make sure you reduce the amount of liquid by about a third or the dough will be quite wet and more difficult to work with.
ENJOY!
Just so you know, a copy of Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe was provided to me by the publisher at no charge. I have not been compensated to write this post. All opinions are my own.
Got a bit teary reading this as a new mom of a six-week old baby girl and a formerly very ambitious gal – not sure I am cut out for this. Would love to share a scone with you and a good cup of coffee. I feel like I get to a little through your blog though. Thank you! Baby girl is stirring again. Back to mom duties
Hi Katie! Thank you for your sweet words, and congrats to you on the birth of your baby! This is such an exciting season of life with so much beauty, but oh my, it can be tough.
What you said about being “formerly very ambitious” caught my attention. I would have described myself similarly in the past, and in the early days of motherhood, I thought that my drive was something that I had to put to death and that I had to be happy as a stay at home mom. I tried to ignore the fire inside to do something in addition to my roles as wife and mother because I was concerned it would detract from my family or not honor God, and at times, I asked God to take away that desire if it wasn’t from him. He didn’t remove it, and it was through that process that I started this blog. It’s easy for it to take over my life (and in past seasons, it has), but when I am keeping my heart in check and prioritizing well, creating recipes and blogging is something that invigorates me, and I think the break from mothering ultimately helps me be a better mother. We are now looking at the possibility of me going to culinary school part time this summer or fall, which I never thought would happen with kids as young as ours are, but for us, we know that I am more sane when I get time away to work. (To be clear, the seeking of outside work wasn’t because I felt that pouring into my kids isn’t a task of enormous value, but rather because my mental health was suffering greatly being home with them all the time.)
In saying all of this, I realize I kind of took your remark and ran with it.
It’s totally possible that I misinterpreted where you are coming from, and while I’m not saying you should take the same path I’ve taken, I feel like it’s important for me to share my experience in the hopes that it may be applicable. Does any of this resonate with you or am I off base?
This is beautiful. Thank you, Christie.
Thank you, Krista. I’m thankful it’s resonating with so many.
Christie,
Thank you for your courage to say what so many mothers suffer through silently and have done so for decades. Too frequently this despair is mistaken for something else. Your honest and candid advice is touching and realistic to every mother no matter what stage of the process she is in.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, Momma! I love you!
You are so brave to put yourself out there like that, but know that you are helping lots of other moms who have been there, too. And anyone in your home will feel nourished and welcomed if you serve delicious scones!
Thank you, Jody! It’s scary at first to share these hard parts of my life, but you know, I am just so thankful for the response I’ve received in comments to this post and private emails. You are right that there are other moms in the same boat, and if I can offer encouragement to even one woman, I consider it worth it. These days are tough and often dark, but there is hope.
christie, i love this post! i admire you for putting your true feelings out there and i’m so glad to hear i’m not the only mom who feels a little crazy & overwhelmed sometimes.
it’s always so nice to hear the way God works in others’ lives too — i think he’s blessing others through you too. i need to check out that book!
Thanks so much for your comments, Lyndsey! I’m so blessed by the responses I’ve been getting from several women saying that they can relate. Being a mom is harder than I ever imagined, and I think when we start talking about these issues, it opens the door for honest communication, mutual support, and ultimately, healthier families.
If possible, it would be a great read before your #2 comes. Or maybe something to read during late night feedings in those early weeks?
Things got most crazy for us a few months after our second was born, and I think a lot of our trials could have been avoided or minimized had I given myself the freedom to say that I couldn’t do it on my own and that I needed help.
I want to read this book! Would it be applicable to the “mom mentality” and… “achievers dilemma” in general? It’s encouraging to see all the ways Jesus is offering you himself through others and reads like this. He truly does take care of us!
These scones look scrumptious! I’m a little sensitive to the taste of strong cinnamon though… How cinnamon-ey is the glaze? Could it be modified?
Hi Amy! Hmmm…good question about the cinnamon! I have a high tolerance for spices, and I would say this is a moderate strength. The cinnamon flavor is definitely prominent, but it’s not overpowering. It might be a good idea to start with about half the amount, mix it up, taste, and add more only if you want. I think it will be delicious no matter how much is in there!
Regarding the book – can you clarify what you mean by “mom mentality”? Are you referring to an unnecessary martyrdom? As far as the achiever thing… it’s hard for me to know exactly what you mean here, but I would say that the book addresses it in a way that gets at what is really going on. For myself, in the beginning I feel like I really wanted to achieve greatness in motherhood and in my housekeeping, cooking, etc, and any early successes bolstered that pride. But somewhere along the way, it became less about achieving something and more about struggling against failure. I stopped looking for praise and instead just needed to survive and not be crushed by the weight of it all. Does that make sense? I think it’s good, for folks like me in particular, to acknowledge that our value is not defined by the state of our home and in our parenting skills but rather in Jesus. That is needed. BUT, the reality is that when things are in disarray, it’s a bad deal. The home is my workplace, and for my family to thrive, there must be order. This book says, “I know it’s hard. I see how much your working to love on your family (not always with a perfect heart or motives, but working hard nonetheless), and you still feel like things are a wreck. It’s okay to ask for help.” The authors emphasize calling out to Jesus in these moments and praying for his strength, but another thing they do that I feel is majorly lacking in other books/advice/etc is to acknowledge that *physically* we need help, too, and it’s okay to say so. That’s where paying for babysitting, housecleaning, etc comes in if that’s a financial possibilty as well as relationships with older women who are not in that same stressful season of life and can offer aid.
This book focuses primarily on the trials of those with young babies and toddlers, but I think many of the ideas are translatable to other seasons of life. The message of mentorship and female community makes this a good read for any woman at any age.
Okay – that’s a long response, and I’m not quite sure I addressed your question. :-/ Would love to hear more of your thoughts! (Also, you can borrow my book if you want.)
Good job – on the scones and the speaking of truth. There is no harder job than mothering. To some it comes easier, not so much for others. We all have our strong parts, it is finding those and enjoying them and then finding help with the weaker areas. Housekeeping was not my strong suit. When we added child #3 – I had a cleaning lady – mostly every other week, but during some seasons once a week. I am thankful that my husband felt this was a necessity (for both of our well being!) and made it just a regular budget item. It relieved the guilt and feeling “less than” and made sure that at least every other week the house was all clean at the same time – I loved just sitting on the couch smelling the freshness for the 3.5 seconds it lasted! Keep up the good work momma!
Thank you, Nancy! I appreciate your perspective as having been through this season of motherhood and having lived to tell the story.
Housecleaning is something we can’t afford right now, but it’s hopefully going to be making the list in the future. Enjoying 3.5 seconds of a fully clean house sounds pretty dreamy right about now!
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Your honesty is always so appreciated Christie. Sometimes we don’t understand why we go through the trials we do, and then when we see the glimpses of God using it for good, and to comfort and encourage others, well there is so much more peace and hope found. I know He is using you and your circumstanes for His glory. There are so many difficult factors moms have to face—hormonal issues, sleep deprivation, and Satan wanting to steal, lie and destroy us, our husbands and children. When I question God, it helps me to remember that I am on the winning team! I am already victorious because of Christ and He gives abundant life, so no matter what I face, I am strong, because of His strength that fills me. Do you guys have The Jesus Storybook Bible? I was reading it ou tloud today to C while she played (it’s not really geared for her age but would be for your daughter I’m sure) and anyways it made me cry! It was just a slightly different wording and awesome, refreshing reminder of Christ’s love for me (it was the sermon on the mount where Jesus talks about the birds and the flowers and how much God loves us and we never have to worry). Ok, so I’m going on and on. Wish we could sit together and enjoy one of those amazing looking scones. I’ve gotta make those soon! Praying God blesses you with a peace that surpasses understanding, His mighty strength, and joy in motherhood. xoxo
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Lauren! Yes, we do have the Jesus Storybook Bible and reading it has at times totally brought tears to my eyes, too. The author words things in ways that are so simple yet they cut straight to the heart with truth and love. Thank you for your prayers.
I’m seriously going to have to talk to Dan about a trip to Chicago sometime in the future – I would love to see you and the rest of the fam, and of course, those sweet babies!
Yes, do it!! You guys should definitely come out here!!!